it's been a rough month and as the month is nearing the end, more and more deadlines are eminent. i've also been having a lot of issues with my job and my school.

i've always had trouble with procrastinating and its even more evident since im writing this instead of working on the things i SHOULD be working on.

little disclaimer, this might not be cohesive bc my though process is not very linear

ive been staying up extremely late at night and also waking up really early so that i can make the weird projects like the font or the animations or whatever because i love making things, creating new things learning new mediums and all that shiz but its been getting harder and harder and keep getting less and less sleep. all of this has been really affecting my quality of life and has me feeling very unhappy with my life. i love making things like pixelart and all of that but then right afterwards i feel miserable

someday i hope to be able to make a living making stuff. i really dont want to be unhappy

i've always have had a lot of trouble sticking to one thing for a while because i love making all sort of things. for example. i LOVE coding , honestly a lot of fun but i havent coded anything in like a year because ive been having a blast exploring pixel art and writing. IK that i am a good maker because iv'e made so many god things that im genuinely proud of. my issue is that i have yet to find a place (beside extremly late at night) where i can truly shine. i feel like i have in me to make sothing great but im afraid not not live to my true potential, and right now, that's exactly how i feel like

i've dreamt for a while of me being able to support myself by making like a patreon or smthg where people just watch whatever i make. like i could make a pixel art collage one month and then next moth i would be showing off some music , the next month would be a webgame and so on and in return for allowing me to make whatever the hell i wanted i would release everything to the free domain so that anyone could use it. i do wonder how many people read these, sometimes i feel like im just talking to myself, it isnt a bad thing, i talk to myself all the time plus i do these more as my own remainders but i just wish that it showed me more info about how people are interacting.

i think i might have some form of ADHD/ADD, i need to get that check out

art news----------

im working on some physical art and some videos. i havent been feeling very motivated tho so haven't edited anything fully. i might finish my hanko stamp video soon

i also recorded a tutorial for a rubberband ball. and im going to try my hand at thubnail art so that i could hopefully atract more pople

sometimes i just stroll through art supply stores looking for some art thing to possible do. something that i've wanted to is pain on one of those really big canvas, i think i found some thing i want to do, i want to do [redacted], i think that'd be neat

i meesed up my first try, understandably so, so im going to get more carpenter's pencils because im trying my had at pencil carving, ive done it in the past, ive carved pencilception which i was really proud of but when i was feeling down one night i broke it and threw it away. ive been getting better in not destroying my art projects when i get really down but it happens from time to time.

there is also another art project that i finished like 2 months ago, that im really proud of but i haven't uploaded for some reason.

ive also been trying and somewhat succeeding in starting projects and actually finishing them because ive always been made to feel bad for starting art projects and not finishing them.

any(many) ways, im still trying to work hard so that hopefully one day, i'll truly be happy with who i am and hopefully ya'll enjoy what i do if only even for just a fraction of how much i enjoy making it