recently i've had my first day off since the beginning of the month, and i had my first 2 days in a row off in over a month, I usually only get one day off at a time. I cannot recall feeing this rested and content.

i also got an ipad and been playing some classics like temple run and subway surfer. when i was playing that, i started to cry because for once in a long long long time. i felt...like a kid, like a kid who was happy with life, like a little kid just playing some games and vibing, it felt nice

but now that i've had more freetime, it has giving me the time to think about stuff and reflect on how things have been going. spoiler alert, not the best. been feeling pretty alone and overall, kinda suicidal.

I've been living in my own world for so long that i can't really ask for help because i'm too stubborn to allow people to change my mind(double edge sword). i think this stubborness was one of the thigs my ex hated about me, whenever i would tell her something she would try to help but i was too stubborn to change my mind and i felt like they kinda gave up on me, that would always really hurt.

i guess It's just the fact that i've little had every person i ever held near and dear to my hear just give up on me and the only person left is my self and it feel so fucking rough. that why i almost cried when i was playing with the ipad, i felt like my own parent just trying to let their kid have a good time ig. idk, it just feel so bad to not have anybody that i could have trusted believe in me, like truly believe in me and now its hard to think that anyone will.

i try to be happy but it gets so hard sometimes

no wonder i have a MILF kink, i just want someone who will believe in me in a caring way. i think that would be an interesting theory to write about, probably some sigmund freud type shit

just trying to hold on the best i can with whatever "fuck you" attitude i've developed. i needed to get this off my chest

tl;dr: baby boy sad boohoo, nothing new