howdy,

not too long ago a received a message from someone telling me how much it meant to them for me to believe in them, and help them through dark times....this made me cry.

as someone who feels like they lack that exact things, it just...idk, filled me with so many emotions to just be able to give at least someone that which i feel nobody should be missing.

yet again i am reminded how my living here makes me utterly depressed which is nice, imma be honest, this past week for me has been pretty rough and overall just not having a good time and i haven't been able to make much because of it

right now, as a procrastination routine, am about 1/2 way proofreading the stories i want to submit for the newgrounds literature thing.

started question my gender like a week ago, but i now know what i am so that was a pretty happy moment for me but it was instantly ruined by something unrelated. btw use any pronoun you want

i do often wonder who reads these, i do these mostly for myself but i do wonder who actually reads them

sometime the idea of not existing/ kms sounds really appealing. its not entirely the fact that i hate life its the fact that im so tired of it. I'm tired of feeling numb, I'm tired of relying on only myself, I'm tired of not enjoying things as much as i used to, I'm tired of being so tired, idk how much of it I can continue to endure. I usually do find something that clings me to this world but sometimes the smallest things can get me to spiral out. i dropped a peanut the other day and wanted to punch a hole in my monitor, its probably all the bottled emotions

might be a lil TMI but i just also haven't been as horny, my personality is always horny, that doesn't change but my libido has. I dont consume as much porn recreationally as i used to, i dont fap as often as i used to, when im bored, the idea of fapping to past time doesnt appeal to me, sex overall hasn't really interested me either. reason is becuse i dont enjoy it as much as i used to, same with pretty much everything but It's got me even more upset bc im just looking for a little bit of dopamine

on the topic of small stuff that bothers me. the other day, I ordered some fries and there were less fries that usual and all i could think of was "why did they have to ruin this, this was the ONLY thing i was look forward to today" i was about to cry over some stupid fries

this reminds me of a story i wrote "a black Christmas" here's the link to it on my website if wattpad is giving you issues

https://anymany.dev/stories/a_black_christmas/

I feel like it's a pretty fitting story

maybe i'll find a goal to keep at it, maybe i wont, we'll see

TL;DR: nothing new , skip it