i recently had a long convo with my parents. its was intesting. fair warning, this would probably be incoherent. it will also be very long and filled with grammatical errors

I expressed that i wanted to change my major, i wanted to be a teacher. i was quickly informed of how bad of an idea it was because they dont "see me" being a teacher. they dont think i have what it takes to BE a teacher. another point was the fact that they don't make that much money(teachers make on average 22-35 dollars/hour). i personally dont think its that bad.

they also complained that i have shit memory (fair) but that i also keep starting project but never finishing them. this rubbed me the wrong way. i true, i do start a lot of projects but i also finish a lot of them , they just dont see that because im tired of showing them stuff that i am proud of and them being like "oh, that's cool" or "you were doing that instead of __?". that kind of constant mehness towards my passions kinda jaded me. they claim to know a lot about me like im some sort of book that they read but they just end up mentioning things i did in the past instead and inferring that that IS what is going to happen/ what's happening.

i was told that if i dont find a job that make 100k a year than what's the point . idk being happy ig, at least i though.

they worded things in a certain way that i quickly picked up on like " WE don't think that teaching would be a good career path for you because you have shit memory, you did bad in quizzes, and we cant envisioning you being good with kids, i mean you have to be realistic here. but at the end of they day its your choice to live like that". this is an interesting way to word it because they sit in the fence. there are 2 outcomes, i either become successful of a fail. if i fail " see we told you it was unrealistic for so-and-so reasons", if I AM successful " see you can become anything you want, you jsut have to work hard, especially since we supported you all the way through". either way, they are in the right , smart wording but man does it rub the wrong way

i was also told that quit whenever things get hard (ouch). i was given a couple examples. i quit German after 4 years of studying it. yes, i did, that was because i didnt like it, i tried it for a year and found out that i reall didn't enjoy it BUT i was forced to continue by my school for 3 more years. so yeah, i quit it because i didnt like it to begin with so i stopped as soon as i was given the ability. another example was the fact that i quit TaeKwonDo after being there for 4.5 years and only one belt level away form black belt, they said how much i used to enjoy it. yes, its true that i quit, but false that i liked it. i was enrolled in TKD even tho i told my parent that "i dont like it, i wasnt goin to enjoy it" to which i was basically told "tough shit" so of course i would quit as soon as i could , even if i was really close to black belt. TKD was causing me panic attacks, breakdowns, and a lot of stress, it think that is a pretty reasonable reason to want to have quit it. japanese was anothe example that they glossed over. i did take a year of japanese, failed, and quit. the reason was because i found out that the way they teach language classes isnt the way people learn, what good is me taking a class if they arent teaching me they way i learn.

i was also told that i cant stick to one thing, im too indecisive, they brought up the fact that, I've been spitballing what it want to do as a living. basically, i need to know what i want to do NOW and stick with that, no more experimenting bc once im done college, it's adult time.

this also upset me a lot. why do you expect all people from age group to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives, when i was a kid, i wanted to be a civil engineer, AND an astronaut, and now im being told to make that sort of decision and live with that for the rest of my life, pretty stressful imo. not only that but also every idea i put out gets turned down unless its like a doctor or software dev.

i was told that when you're an adult you have to do thing you dont like, like that was some kind of wake-up-call . yeah ik i going to have to do things i dont like, most of the things i do nowadays i DON'T like. i'm already living a like i DON'T like, every morning i wake up and i DON'T like that either. i DON'T want to choose one thing that i have to do for the rest of my life whether i willl like it or not in the future yet here i am

i was kinda labeled as a gifted kid, i did really well in elementary and middle school, and decent in high school. all of this while not having to study for a test. this kinda messed me up big time bc now i dont have really good testing habits which they also brought up. they also told me that they are paying for my college, and housing. basically i have NO reason to fail.( i feel like i sound posh or spoiled but whatever) this kinda thing where im basically told that i have no reason to fail, gives me so much stress and anxiety bc i have ZERO leeway and CANNOT FAIL.

i've dealt a lot with my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've spent years dealing with this, dealing with thoughts of suicide, all without a therapist . it was exhausting living when i didnt want to live but yet here i am. the reason why i'm still alive is because i gave myself the ability to fail. that's why i didnt do as good in high school bc that i when i truly accepted myself for who i am and forgave myself. getting straight As and Bs wasn't making me happy, and it was costing me time that i wanted to spend on myself. now im being told that i cant fail which is erasing a lot of the progress that i did.

i was kinda told contradicting things. now is the the time to try new things since you cant when im older but also make you mind up right now and stop choosing classes to experiment bc you're wasting money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i was told that i dont put enough resources on my schooling, that i sped too much time on my hobbies. yeah, that is true/ my mind isnt dumb, its avoiding thigs that make it want to end its existence. why would i work on something that i dont like and constantly reminds me of how dumb i am. of course im going to spend more time of something that i enjoy, something that tells me "hey, you're actually good at this and not a failure". of course my brain look for dopamine.

------this is where im kinda more emotional and less logical on the arguments imo

another thing that they kinda glossed over while telling me to be realist that rubbed me the wrong way is " i knew that i was bad a math so i did whatever thing didn't involve math". so IM the one that quits when things get difficult but they are being realistic.

its so confusing bc im told to be realistic but also to not quit just because it gets "difficult" but also to choose something i enjoy but also dont complain if i dont enjoy it bc that's adulthood, but also a job that pays 100k+ a year, and do it NOW .

they really interrogated me on WHY i wanted to be a teacher here's a little excerpt that i mostly remember

Q: why do you want to be a teacher?

A: well, i was of a lot of help to my peers in classes where i understood the subject. i feel like i really help people when they need someone to explain it well when the teacher cant"

Q: what level do you want to teach and why?

A: i want to teach high school because i dont feel like i communicate well with younger kids. i feel like i can communicate better with older students

Q:SOOOO basically want to work with the worst demographic? you know half the kids wont give a shit about you right?

A: well yeah, i dont expect everyone to like me, that would be unreasonable BUT i think that i would be better with that demographic

Q:you know, your memory is shit, yo already don't do much schoolwork as it is, how do you expect to be a good teacher?

A: well i was also thinking of being a translator, eng-spn

Q: but you quit multiple languages

A: well, yeah but i already know Spanish fluently, its only to refresh it

Q: and you think that there is a big market for it? you need to think about it as a career. and from what we can see it doesn't seem like you actually enjoy teaching, it seem like you're "yeah, ig i'll do it". it's like your choosing teaching only because its the easy way

it feels like my want's and priorates are invalid, my decisions are foolish, and i am immature

i tried to argue how: not everything i star i quit; tired to argue that i actuall do enjoy teaching, i like to see the "aha" moment; tried to argue that i am trying hard. the said said "that's just our opinions, not facts, we're saying this because that's what we can see" then later on they said "you should really take our opinion seriously" , why im i meant to take an opinion they have about me, that they got from what I CHOOSE to reveal, and take that as a fact. it seem like they think they know me better than myself despite them still not knowing my actual feeling about stuff.

what do i WANT to do as a career? i explained it here but i'll explain it again. I want to make stuff. the way my brain works is, i get an idea and i do it, then i get bored of an idea and i PAUSE IT , 9/10 times i dont quit it. i do another idea for a bit, pause that, and come back to other ideas and finish them. i think that why they think im indecisive and not committed. I want to have a patron or some other subscription service where people give me the ability to be financially stable and in return i spend my time making stuff like: fonts, chiptune, origami patterns, paintings, videos, podcast, stories, tutorials on coding, Spanish, webdev, etc. really just anything on my mind. in return of me being able to make a living. i would release EVERYTHING i made to the public domain, where anyone, anywhere can use it free of charge. too bad they dont have a "maker" major that i can take in colege

ive been really tired recently because ive been balancing so many thinks that i DONT want to do while still trying to work on my hobbies so that one day i CAN turn my hobbies into my job. i haven't been able to put more time bc they consider my hobbies, just that hobbies. they dont really believe i can turn a hobby into a profession so i have to work on it really late at night so that i can concentrate on them and to constantly being bothered and interrogated about it. because im really trying to get my maker career. ive been staying up until like 3-4 AM and waking up t 8-9 am at worst i get 4 hours at best i get 6 and in rare cases i get 8-9. i've been feeling like i could collapse at any moment. this feeling scares me because i dont want to collapse while driving, i dont want to collapse while im going down a flight of stairs, i dont want to collapse in public. there are so many situations where i dont want to collapse.

i've seen myself get fatter and unhealthier the more of this i go through, i can feel my energy draining. i see myself going out and buying a bunch of junk food, sugary drinks, stuff like that. i eat it and then i cry. I KNOW its not healthy, I KNOW i shouldn't be eating that, I KNOW that if i continue eating it I WILL DIE. i feel like my brain is so deprived of happy juices that even when i know all of that, i still go out and get $20 dollars worth of junk food just to feel so dopamine and serotonin temporarily. then once i realize what i did, i instantly regret it and get really sad. i dont throw it up only because i basically have no gag reflex and my stomach is very resistant, i haven't thrown up in years no matter how much i've tried.

i wrote this post because usually when i have a talk with my parents, it's more of a lecture, one sided. i think they think that they won? thay it went well or that they "fixed" me after all of this becuse i never respond. i dont get a chance to talk about my perspective. this was just a way to vent, trying to not to bottle up my emotions because i found that to be not good.

btws, this how my brain process shit, non-linear, very tangential, and mostly logical. when i was really down and since i didn't (and still dont) have a therapist, i used to (and still do) talk to myself like this, like it was a blogpost, like i was talking to someone . i would be my own makeshift dollar-store therapist. i thought of wring it down here, even if no-one reads it for so that i can remind myself of things and for a way to perhaps reflect on it later. if one actually reads this all the way through, i applaud you i know i wouldnt have the attention span to.

any(many) ways,

what will i do? idk, probably drop out and get a trade job like a welder or a carpenter, heard they make good cash