recently i've had my first day off since the beginning of the month, and i had my first 2 days in a row off in over a month, I usually only get one day off at a time. I cannot recall feeing this rested and content.

i also got an ipad and been playing some classics like temple run and subway surfer. when i was playing that, i started to cry because for once in a long long long time. i felt...like a kid, like a kid who was happy with life, like a little kid just playing some games and vibing, it felt nice

but now that i've had more freetime, it has giving me the time to think about stuff and reflect on how things have been going. spoiler alert, not the best. been feeling pretty alone and overall, kinda suicidal.

I've been living in my own world for so long that i can't really ask for help because i'm too stubborn to allow people to change my mind(double edge sword). i think this stubborness was one of the thigs my ex hated about me, whenever i would tell her something she would try to help but i was too stubborn to change my mind and i felt like they kinda gave up on me, that would always really hurt.

i guess It's just the fact that i've little had every person i ever held near and dear to my hear just give up on me and the only person left is my self and it feel so fucking rough. that why i almost cried when i was playing with the ipad, i felt like my own parent just trying to let their kid have a good time ig. idk, it just feel so bad to not have anybody that i could have trusted believe in me, like truly believe in me and now its hard to think that anyone will.

i try to be happy but it gets so hard sometimes

no wonder i have a MILF kink, i just want someone who will believe in me in a caring way. i think that would be an interesting theory to write about, probably some sigmund freud type shit

just trying to hold on the best i can with whatever "fuck you" attitude i've developed. i needed to get this off my chest

tl;dr: baby boy sad boohoo, nothing new

what a month it has been, I've been staying busy with work and other stuff, i haven't had much time to do stuff i want but i've been trying

i now have a couple videos in the making but i have one main issue, i HATE editing, I'm really hoping to finish editing one video this weekend when i have time bc im really excited with how it will turn out. i have 2 video ideas that i really want to make. i have the script for one, i just need to record and edit it. the other one was going to be easy but it turns out that i need to learn how to use lambda and other nerd shiz that quite frankly flies over my head but i really hope to finish it .

the only real literature work I remember writing on october is the mufifn man . i re-read it and it's still as funny as i remember it. right now, im working on polishing my stories to participate in the NG anthology so that i can finally get my work published. it's been tough to re-read it bc i skip over some errors bc my brain just corrects them automatically. i do have a couple beta readers helping me which is greatly appreciated.

im planning on moving out soon, pretty excited for that.

ive also been getting into crocheting/ yarn work again recently. i used to do a lot last year around summer-fall, i still got it and i decided to make something meme like

I'm still pretty tired constantly, and i still im not a big fan of waking up in the mornings, im trying to change that but it's tiring. everyday constantly feels very long and mind numbing, it feels like im living in the opposite of dog years...cat years?. 1 day feels like it's as tiring as 7 and i keep doing it day after day, week after week, gets really tiring ngl.

any(many)ways, i hope i can continue to make stuff and hopefully one day i won't feel like this....as much

so things have happened

i actaully havent done many projects, i've been using my days off of mentally unwind and just relax because ik know that i can be really hard on myself(future story plot). i realized this when i had a breakdown the other day at work and when i almost had some others the couple shifts afterwards. i realized that working like this is going to be the reason why i kill myself but i really dont have many options so that sucks :P.

i've also been trying to do some shopping since i often convince myself against buying myself nice things

i did do some writing tho

first up it's blade's work, it is a dark story about struggles with self harm. i wrote it not to promote self harm but to maybe give people a new insight into self harm, you shouln't read it if you're going through shit tho

second is like it was yesterday, this is a story about a guy named quinton reminiscing their friend, in this one i tried to experiment with imagery and metaphors.

in both of these stories, i experimented with inner dialogue, less outward dialogue so practice giving necessary details without making it feel like info dumping but lie a conversation, if you read them, tell me what you think

also some people have told me that they have trouble accessing my wattpad stories so i uploaded them on my website

https://anymany.dev/stories/blades_work/

https://anymany.dev/stories/Like_it_was_yesterday

another thing @cyronix wrote a 18+ little shipost about scooby x shaggy and for some weird reason it just sparked my inspiration and made me write a 18+ part two , THEN he had to comment about making a part 3 so my inspiring me yet again until i wrote a shaggy x scooby x velma 18+ story which is apparently now just a porn thread . so plase dont read if you are under age.

in other news i recently went through a break up and it really hurts, trying not to think about it. i try not to think about things bc im tired of feeling sad, i just want to be happy. im really trying not to do somthing too wreak less now that i dont really have anyone to stop me and knock me back into common sense (not trying to blame them). i feel like i dont really have anyone i can truly trust which sucks but oh well; maybe it'll give me some writing inspiration.

any(many) ways

still not feeling great but i do feel a bit better

progress is still being made on projects.

i have one pixel art project that i've been working on for like 2 months but i cant get the lighting right, it looks very flat.

i have another pixel art project that is going good but it just very tedious, i've experimented with the concept for a while but it takes a lot of time. i think it has a lot of potential to do some illusion type stuff but i need more experimentation.

im trying to figure out how to make the process of adding nodes to my text based adventure game more automatic, i've hear about there being a JSON converter but im still working on it im planning on releasing my "engine" if you can even call it that, open source on my github ,maybe people can do more with it

i recently dug up my old keyboard and man is it loud, i love it. its a metal keyboard with not foam, blue clicky switches and hard plastic key caps. i used it for a couple of days and then went back to using my laptop keyboard. that was a really weird change, not bad but just feels sooooo much different, im going to start writing with that keyboard only

working on another story, in fact im done with it, im just spell checking and looking for beta readers. its about 3 pages long, just a good ol' really dark and kinda fucked up story , just how i like my [my lawyer has advised me to continue this joke no longer]

im also working on compiling all my writing, maybe i can publish a short story book some day. im already at 25 pages, and that's not including haikus, i'm not planning on making money on the book, i just want to have published at least something

i commissioned and artist recently to make me a cover for one of my stories. its a cover for my dress x-ing story

im really happy with how it looks, this drawing was made by asskoh on twitter btw

any(many) ways, that's all i have for now, hope ya'll continue to enjoy my stuff

first and foremost, my site IS back up, and it should be good to go for 5 years

big thanks to @Gimmick here and espen on stack overflow for helping me but my game base is finally done. I used twine to make the v1 of it, it did ok for the prototype but it didn't fit the category of "only one button, no mouse" so i made a little 'engine' that allows me to do just that. now the issue is that, i have to add all the pages, and all the little detail by hand ...only 183 pages. luckily, twine has a proofreading copy that list out all the pages but its going to be beyond tedious so i might not finish it for a while. especially because of 2 things

1) things haven't been going well and im not in a very good place mentally. my motivation is about non-excitant and im lucky to even get out of bed.

2) i haven't had a day off in 13 days. i technically had A day off but i had to do so much that i was just as tired as if it was a work day. i wont have the change to have one for another 3 days. basically, work has just been killing me and i think it will be the death of me. if i dont make a new post in a week, then you'll know why

one thing going for me is that making stuff distracts me from things but my attention span has been decreasing

i have some other artwork unfinished, might work on those at some point

I'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, but then again, not everything can be solved by a pill, or at least solved in a positive way. i think most of my issues require more than a pill.

im working really hard like people always told me to, but now im always tired and sad, looking for ways to cope. i was really hoping things would have gotten better.feel like im between a rock and a hard place

i always hear people tell me "just hold on, it gets better" or stuff like that, honestly, my arm is getting pretty tired from holding on.

I also wrote some short-sih stories if you haven't checked them out, they're in my wattpad, linked in my profile, read them, dont, idc

any(many)ways ,i'll update ya'll ig

wasabi errrrrrrrrrrrbody

so my website IS "down", i forgot to renew my SSL certificate(the thing that give me the "https' aka the little lock icon)

now, i DON'T collect ANY(many) information. i dont have any cookies or data trackers. HOWEVER, .dev TLD/ sites NEED ssl for whatever fucking reason. im working on it right now, should have it back up by tonight or tomorrow

so i really want to participate in this 4 day game jam, it really is placed at the worse time for me.

its placed in the days where im super busy at work so i have VERY little time to do anything, gonna pull like 2 all nighters, especially since i found out about it a day later so that put me at a real disadvantage. it also doesnt help that im doing things from scratch since i cant find a single program that will do what i want

best case scenario, i win the $50 which will pay for my supply of energy drinks, worse case scenario, i loose a bunch of sleep that it severely affects my work performance and a lose money from the aforementioned canned energy. either way, i'll end up exhausted so might as well give it a try

wasabi, er'body

I haven't been feeling well mentality but that hasn't changed much, what has changed is my output of content.

i have recently been getting into Minecraft, since 1) i havent ever beaten the ender dragon despite having played Minecraft for like 6-7 years, so ive been wanting to do that. 2)i've also been playing around with redstone as i used to be pretty good with redstone back in the day. and 3) i joined 2b2t (the oldest anarchy server in Minecraft history), why?, bc it funny.

i did however had a recent motivation spike and managed to do 3 projects

a 3d pizza box in pico cad

and 2 short stories,

https://www.wattpad.com/1118116824-dress-x-ing

and

https://www.wattpad.com/1116206541-pep-talk

dress crossing is a erofic, for mature audiences only

and pep-talk is a darkfic, which hadles some more mature topics but its not ero like dress xing

i had a lot of fun writing these fics since it was quite liberating and interesting to see where the stories went since i didnt have a clue as to what i was going to write until i started writing them. i have some self nitpicks tho, pep-talks ending was meant to be a twist, but i feel like it kinda fell flat and feels kinda lazy . dress x-ing i feel like had a good balance of detail that was important t the story but i feel like some spots felt kinda cheap and crammed in. other than that i quite like them. i have author's notes in the comments of the wattpad posts if you are interested

ongoing projects:

i havent given up on the aztec calendar and loteria cards but i still dont feel confident in my abilities yet to do things like that.

i did start another work that im trying to put the final details on. it is going to be a liminal space, or at least my interpretation of liminal space. i have been toying with the idea of a liminal video game, a disorienting ,unnerving, video game but i must admit, that is quite a big undertaking so i might save it for another day and slowly build my way up with some more simple games

i am a big fan of tragedy stories, my favorite one being the 18+ shindoL doujin henshin, other wise known as emergence/metamorphosis/177013. I have been toying around with a book idea on and off for about 3 years now. i have writen and rewriten the first pages about 20 times, one time i got about 30 pages in before scaping it . my issue is that since im still an beginner writer, i CANT get the feeling right, it supposed to be a tragedy, one where you feel for the characters and care about them and their struggles but i can't make it...feel right. i feel like sometime i add too much unnecessary detail, kinda like im fluffing up the story, sometimes i feel like i make the characters kinda flat, and im struggling to fins that balance. i want my story to be poten, filled with ONLY the necessary detail but since my mind has a hard time with that when i talk, its a hard habit to avoid. I also feel like i have found a writing style im comfortable with, you can probably see it in the dress xing, it might change tho,idk.

i have 3 videos in the making, a bold a brash hank stamp, a rubiks cube in a jar one, and a popsicle bridge one. the hanko stamp is almost done, it just needs a voice over so im really trying to get used to my voice, and i havent really been motivated to edit videos, it is such a boring task imo, i might end up hiring an editor for it since i now have some more disposable income. the popsicle bridge one isnt done filming because the last assembly is giving me some issues. the rubiks cube one is nowhere NEAR finished. i chose what i think too hard of a challenge for my first time. just the edge assembly is constantly failing, i got some long fish hook pliers but the pieces still slip and slide and its getting quite frustrating. did i mention that i started filming the cube in a bottle video about a year ago, same with the popsicle bridge, the stamp was probably like 3 months ago.

work has been very tiering and has left me with little energy, so its been hard finding the motivation to do a lot of stuff but i'm trying, that all i CAN do. as a Chinese sweatshop owner put it

"all day im fucking busy, only get few money"

any(many) ways, i hope i can continue to make a creativity, and hopefully one day i can make creativities as a job. i hope that ya'll enjoy seeing my creativities

right now ive been working with the nekomancers with the transcription and translation of the Shimoneta light novels.

i've also wanted to have at least of all of the things i can make on NG and i have audio and games left, still an absolute noob at music but im not a COMPLETE noob in coding so right now im making a game

its going to be a very simple game that i may update. it's nowhere near complete and itll probably take me a month at best to complete it. im writing prettymuch everything from scratch to wipe the dust off of my mind. stuff like haxe flixel, pico 8, ren py, etc are off the tables, just pure raw JavaScript, no jQuery(bc i dont know it).

i've also been writing a book, i started a concept about 2-3 years aog but the more i have sat on it, the more i have pinpoint what i want in the story, ive rewritten the frist chapter like 4-5 times bc i think it sound pretty cheese although i am fully prepared to admit that it'll probably turn out like shit since it is my first and im going into it pretty blindly

i also got NES tetris,which im shit at, because i play a lot of tetris 99, once i get a bit better im thinkg about uploading some gameplay on my youtube chanel

speaking of youtube, i have like 2 videos im working on editing, its taken me a while bc im dogshit at editing

i noticed something about myself, i go into a lot of things pretty blindly and flop a lot, i think its because i really like the learning process of discovering things by myself

i recently had a long convo with my parents. its was intesting. fair warning, this would probably be incoherent. it will also be very long and filled with grammatical errors

I expressed that i wanted to change my major, i wanted to be a teacher. i was quickly informed of how bad of an idea it was because they dont "see me" being a teacher. they dont think i have what it takes to BE a teacher. another point was the fact that they don't make that much money(teachers make on average 22-35 dollars/hour). i personally dont think its that bad.

they also complained that i have shit memory (fair) but that i also keep starting project but never finishing them. this rubbed me the wrong way. i true, i do start a lot of projects but i also finish a lot of them , they just dont see that because im tired of showing them stuff that i am proud of and them being like "oh, that's cool" or "you were doing that instead of __?". that kind of constant mehness towards my passions kinda jaded me. they claim to know a lot about me like im some sort of book that they read but they just end up mentioning things i did in the past instead and inferring that that IS what is going to happen/ what's happening.

i was told that if i dont find a job that make 100k a year than what's the point . idk being happy ig, at least i though.

they worded things in a certain way that i quickly picked up on like " WE don't think that teaching would be a good career path for you because you have shit memory, you did bad in quizzes, and we cant envisioning you being good with kids, i mean you have to be realistic here. but at the end of they day its your choice to live like that". this is an interesting way to word it because they sit in the fence. there are 2 outcomes, i either become successful of a fail. if i fail " see we told you it was unrealistic for so-and-so reasons", if I AM successful " see you can become anything you want, you jsut have to work hard, especially since we supported you all the way through". either way, they are in the right , smart wording but man does it rub the wrong way

i was also told that quit whenever things get hard (ouch). i was given a couple examples. i quit German after 4 years of studying it. yes, i did, that was because i didnt like it, i tried it for a year and found out that i reall didn't enjoy it BUT i was forced to continue by my school for 3 more years. so yeah, i quit it because i didnt like it to begin with so i stopped as soon as i was given the ability. another example was the fact that i quit TaeKwonDo after being there for 4.5 years and only one belt level away form black belt, they said how much i used to enjoy it. yes, its true that i quit, but false that i liked it. i was enrolled in TKD even tho i told my parent that "i dont like it, i wasnt goin to enjoy it" to which i was basically told "tough shit" so of course i would quit as soon as i could , even if i was really close to black belt. TKD was causing me panic attacks, breakdowns, and a lot of stress, it think that is a pretty reasonable reason to want to have quit it. japanese was anothe example that they glossed over. i did take a year of japanese, failed, and quit. the reason was because i found out that the way they teach language classes isnt the way people learn, what good is me taking a class if they arent teaching me they way i learn.

i was also told that i cant stick to one thing, im too indecisive, they brought up the fact that, I've been spitballing what it want to do as a living. basically, i need to know what i want to do NOW and stick with that, no more experimenting bc once im done college, it's adult time.

this also upset me a lot. why do you expect all people from age group to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives, when i was a kid, i wanted to be a civil engineer, AND an astronaut, and now im being told to make that sort of decision and live with that for the rest of my life, pretty stressful imo. not only that but also every idea i put out gets turned down unless its like a doctor or software dev.

i was told that when you're an adult you have to do thing you dont like, like that was some kind of wake-up-call . yeah ik i going to have to do things i dont like, most of the things i do nowadays i DON'T like. i'm already living a like i DON'T like, every morning i wake up and i DON'T like that either. i DON'T want to choose one thing that i have to do for the rest of my life whether i willl like it or not in the future yet here i am

i was kinda labeled as a gifted kid, i did really well in elementary and middle school, and decent in high school. all of this while not having to study for a test. this kinda messed me up big time bc now i dont have really good testing habits which they also brought up. they also told me that they are paying for my college, and housing. basically i have NO reason to fail.( i feel like i sound posh or spoiled but whatever) this kinda thing where im basically told that i have no reason to fail, gives me so much stress and anxiety bc i have ZERO leeway and CANNOT FAIL.

i've dealt a lot with my feelings of inadequacy and failure. I've spent years dealing with this, dealing with thoughts of suicide, all without a therapist . it was exhausting living when i didnt want to live but yet here i am. the reason why i'm still alive is because i gave myself the ability to fail. that's why i didnt do as good in high school bc that i when i truly accepted myself for who i am and forgave myself. getting straight As and Bs wasn't making me happy, and it was costing me time that i wanted to spend on myself. now im being told that i cant fail which is erasing a lot of the progress that i did.

i was kinda told contradicting things. now is the the time to try new things since you cant when im older but also make you mind up right now and stop choosing classes to experiment bc you're wasting money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i was told that i dont put enough resources on my schooling, that i sped too much time on my hobbies. yeah, that is true/ my mind isnt dumb, its avoiding thigs that make it want to end its existence. why would i work on something that i dont like and constantly reminds me of how dumb i am. of course im going to spend more time of something that i enjoy, something that tells me "hey, you're actually good at this and not a failure". of course my brain look for dopamine.

------this is where im kinda more emotional and less logical on the arguments imo

another thing that they kinda glossed over while telling me to be realist that rubbed me the wrong way is " i knew that i was bad a math so i did whatever thing didn't involve math". so IM the one that quits when things get difficult but they are being realistic.

its so confusing bc im told to be realistic but also to not quit just because it gets "difficult" but also to choose something i enjoy but also dont complain if i dont enjoy it bc that's adulthood, but also a job that pays 100k+ a year, and do it NOW .

they really interrogated me on WHY i wanted to be a teacher here's a little excerpt that i mostly remember

Q: why do you want to be a teacher?

A: well, i was of a lot of help to my peers in classes where i understood the subject. i feel like i really help people when they need someone to explain it well when the teacher cant"

Q: what level do you want to teach and why?

A: i want to teach high school because i dont feel like i communicate well with younger kids. i feel like i can communicate better with older students

Q:SOOOO basically want to work with the worst demographic? you know half the kids wont give a shit about you right?

A: well yeah, i dont expect everyone to like me, that would be unreasonable BUT i think that i would be better with that demographic

Q:you know, your memory is shit, yo already don't do much schoolwork as it is, how do you expect to be a good teacher?

A: well i was also thinking of being a translator, eng-spn

Q: but you quit multiple languages

A: well, yeah but i already know Spanish fluently, its only to refresh it

Q: and you think that there is a big market for it? you need to think about it as a career. and from what we can see it doesn't seem like you actually enjoy teaching, it seem like you're "yeah, ig i'll do it". it's like your choosing teaching only because its the easy way

it feels like my want's and priorates are invalid, my decisions are foolish, and i am immature

i tried to argue how: not everything i star i quit; tired to argue that i actuall do enjoy teaching, i like to see the "aha" moment; tried to argue that i am trying hard. the said said "that's just our opinions, not facts, we're saying this because that's what we can see" then later on they said "you should really take our opinion seriously" , why im i meant to take an opinion they have about me, that they got from what I CHOOSE to reveal, and take that as a fact. it seem like they think they know me better than myself despite them still not knowing my actual feeling about stuff.

what do i WANT to do as a career? i explained it here but i'll explain it again. I want to make stuff. the way my brain works is, i get an idea and i do it, then i get bored of an idea and i PAUSE IT , 9/10 times i dont quit it. i do another idea for a bit, pause that, and come back to other ideas and finish them. i think that why they think im indecisive and not committed. I want to have a patron or some other subscription service where people give me the ability to be financially stable and in return i spend my time making stuff like: fonts, chiptune, origami patterns, paintings, videos, podcast, stories, tutorials on coding, Spanish, webdev, etc. really just anything on my mind. in return of me being able to make a living. i would release EVERYTHING i made to the public domain, where anyone, anywhere can use it free of charge. too bad they dont have a "maker" major that i can take in colege

ive been really tired recently because ive been balancing so many thinks that i DONT want to do while still trying to work on my hobbies so that one day i CAN turn my hobbies into my job. i haven't been able to put more time bc they consider my hobbies, just that hobbies. they dont really believe i can turn a hobby into a profession so i have to work on it really late at night so that i can concentrate on them and to constantly being bothered and interrogated about it. because im really trying to get my maker career. ive been staying up until like 3-4 AM and waking up t 8-9 am at worst i get 4 hours at best i get 6 and in rare cases i get 8-9. i've been feeling like i could collapse at any moment. this feeling scares me because i dont want to collapse while driving, i dont want to collapse while im going down a flight of stairs, i dont want to collapse in public. there are so many situations where i dont want to collapse.

i've seen myself get fatter and unhealthier the more of this i go through, i can feel my energy draining. i see myself going out and buying a bunch of junk food, sugary drinks, stuff like that. i eat it and then i cry. I KNOW its not healthy, I KNOW i shouldn't be eating that, I KNOW that if i continue eating it I WILL DIE. i feel like my brain is so deprived of happy juices that even when i know all of that, i still go out and get $20 dollars worth of junk food just to feel so dopamine and serotonin temporarily. then once i realize what i did, i instantly regret it and get really sad. i dont throw it up only because i basically have no gag reflex and my stomach is very resistant, i haven't thrown up in years no matter how much i've tried.

i wrote this post because usually when i have a talk with my parents, it's more of a lecture, one sided. i think they think that they won? thay it went well or that they "fixed" me after all of this becuse i never respond. i dont get a chance to talk about my perspective. this was just a way to vent, trying to not to bottle up my emotions because i found that to be not good.

btws, this how my brain process shit, non-linear, very tangential, and mostly logical. when i was really down and since i didn't (and still dont) have a therapist, i used to (and still do) talk to myself like this, like it was a blogpost, like i was talking to someone . i would be my own makeshift dollar-store therapist. i thought of wring it down here, even if no-one reads it for so that i can remind myself of things and for a way to perhaps reflect on it later. if one actually reads this all the way through, i applaud you i know i wouldnt have the attention span to.

any(many) ways,

what will i do? idk, probably drop out and get a trade job like a welder or a carpenter, heard they make good cash